July 2017

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Friday, July 21st, 2017 04:55 pm
My memory has been even more blitzed since the news of Bennington's suicide (sorry, everyone I was commenting with) so today, I apparently double-dosed every single med I take. There are quite a few. (Two antidepressants, one mood stabilizer, two acid reducers, baby aspirin, an NSAID, blah, fucking blah....)

A WINNER IS ME.

I guess in a couple of hours, I'll be hypomanic/super-stable, all chronic pain will be totally gone and my sinuses will be extra SUPER clean! XDDDDDDD

(if brains are so fucking important you'd think they'd work right)
Thursday, July 20th, 2017 04:23 pm
MOI: Hey I feel less soul-crushingly depressed, let's see if I can make it from the bed to the sofa.

INTERNET: GUESS WHAT ANOTHER ADDICTED ARTIST WITH A MOOD DISORDER IN YOUR GENERATION DIED, WANNA GUESS HOW, GO ON, JUST GUESS

MOI: //would set shit on fire if not glued to couch


Everybody's sharing that "Hunger Strike" duet but I can't fucking listen to that right now, although they both look so joyful, it just breaks my heart. Been listening to this on repeat instead.



One promise you made
One promise that always remains
No matter the price
A promise to survive
Persevere and thrive
And dare to rise once more



and this one made me feel a little less crap.

Monday, July 17th, 2017 04:05 pm
MOI: Life is a confusing huge chaotic system, the internet is undermining everyone's attention span and especially mine, global politics is a horrible Roman circus, global warming will kill us all, I can't think coherently in sentences anymore

T: ....did you remember to take your sertraline and oxcarbazepine before 3 PM?

MOI: -- MOTHERFUCKEDY


(I should really take one of each in the morning and again in the late afternoon, but LOL I can barely remember to take ALL my pills once a day in a huge bolus, good fucking luck to my continued existence if my body ever depends on taking different medication at different times during the same day)
Tuesday, July 11th, 2017 08:32 pm
Nelsan's father has bravely agreed for me to share the circumstances of Nelsan's heart failure. Nelsan has suffered with drug and alcohol abuse for years. After many stints in rehab, Nelsan attempted to withdraw from alcohol on his own. According to his father, during his withdrawal from alcohol he had a blood infection, his kidneys shut down, his liver was swollen, his blood pressure plummeted, and his dear sweet heart raced out of control. (via)

MOTHER. FUCKER.

But addicts don't need treatment covered by health insurance, right? We can kick it with, IDEFK, fairy dust and willpower.
Tuesday, July 11th, 2017 03:25 am
OUR HEROINE: I'm going to write a sequel to that Stucky metal arm fisting fic! It's going to be porny and fun!

FIRST LINE: //arrives

OUR HEROINE: Woohoo!

FIC: //takes a turn off to the left and is presently 1200 porn-free words of broody Angsty angst

OUR HEROINE: no wait

FIC: //more angsty, less porn, even more words

OUR HEROINE: FUCK. MY. LIFE
Sunday, July 9th, 2017 04:28 pm
I saw that Nelsan Ellis had died at thirty-nine, from complications of heart failure, and immediately thought of this:

I see their names and hold my breath. You do this when you’re a 40-something hip-hop head and you’ve glimpsed the name of an M.C. your age trending in the news. Once it might have meant tawdry scandal or legal shenanigans. Now, too often, it means someone’s been struck down. Not by bullet or blade. But by illness.

It’s like watching the return path of a deadly boomerang from our youth. That projectile picked off a cohort of young black boys via gunshot and incarceration. Now it’s having a second go around at those it missed via our blood and bones.
Saturday, July 8th, 2017 03:20 am
Holding you up to the sun (9178 words) by actonbell
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Captain America (Comics)
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes
Additional Tags: Steve Rogers's Birthday, Belated Steve Birthday fic, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Fisting, Anal Fisting, Anal Fingering, Rimming, Porn with Feelings, Hand Jobs, hand kissing
Summary:

"Didn't you ever think about -- "

"Putting the fist of HYDRA up Captain America's ass? No, I can honestly say I never thought -- "

"Not that, Jesus Christ....Didn't you ever -- you know, try jerking yourself off with it? Fingering yoursel....?"

"Maybe, once or twice!" Bucky snapped, exasperated. "Sure! Like I told you, it's cold, it's metal, I have bad memories of strangling people with it. Kind of kills the mood." His smile was sharp and ugly.

Steve reached out with his left hand and traced the raised seam again, so gently he could barely feel the brutal join between flesh and metal. "Let's make some good ones, then. Please."

Bucky shut his eyes tight and shook his head. "You're fucking corny, Rogers. You know that? You were corny in 1933 and 1943 and you're corny now."

"That doesn't sound like a no," Steve said, hope springing up inside despite him fighting it, something painful.

"No, it's not a no. Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ. When have I ever said no to you?"

"You told me not to go to war," Steve said.



The title is from the Doomtree song "Heavy Rescue," which was almost the title, but I wanted something more upbeat.

They tried to attack you
They tried too late
We’re waiting on the storm to hide the wake
Bringing you up to the surface
Dragging you up to the shore
Holding you up to the sun like "Is this yours?"
It’s yours


Dessa's verse was almost the epigraph:

Whitecaps break above us but at the bottom it stays calm
Just the rising tides can touch us
Just lift you up and set you down
But danger is as danger does
There’s a motor in the water and it’s coming for us
And I can smell the gasoline, smell the rust
But I can’t move fast enough away
Break, make for the deep end
Don’t wait for me
Cause I’ll be damned if they get another
Just to catch and
Catch and release


That seems a little more CA:CW to me, though, and this is definitely a TWS fic.


//faceDESK

No idea where this came from really. Well, I wanted to write birthday fic for Steve. Happy birthday Steve! Now I'm going to bed. I went over it with two spellcheck programs (bah) and proofread it but if there are any errors/typos feel free to let me know, I loathe those things. I also feel like I'm leaving out some tags, but couldn't think which. "Metal arm kink"? "Steve Rogers is a kinky bastard"?